Eight Days!

 This morning my sweet little baby is 8 days old.

I cannot believe I have been a mommy that long already.

It breaks my heart that "mommy" mode hasn't really sunk in yet since our little one is still in the NICU.

I expected to be up with a crying baby throughout the night and feeding him every few hours. Changing dirty diapers and wiping up baby throw-up. Smelling his sweet new baby smell, kissing and cuddling him whenever I want.

 All of the things that new mom's and especially FIRST time moms are supposed to enjoy.

I know that time will come and everyone keeps telling me to enjoy this time and take advantage of the sleep and rest while he is being "babysat" in the NICU. 

I hate that. 

I want to babysit my own kid gosh darn it. 

How am I supposed to "enjoy" sitting around feeling helpless while someone else is raising my baby the first week of his life?

So far I have done pretty well emotionally during this whole NICU experience. I would have never imagined the birth of our first born would turn out this way but, I have such strong faith that the Lord has a plan and that little Hunter is getting the help he needs to make sure he is ready for this world, that I don't worry too much.

I do however, wish so badly every hour of every day that he will come home soon.

Today was hard as we learned that getting your hopes up about discharge when your baby is in the NICU is setting yourself up for disappointment. 

We received news at our 10am feeding that the doctor was so impressed with Hunter's feeding improvements that he could possible be discharged tonight! His feeding tube was removed (well, he pulled it out and they didn't replace it) and he continued to eat everything he was supposed to, so the doctor said that at the 4pm feeding he would make a decision.

Hunter had his car seat and hearing test and passed both! We came in and watched the baby CPR video and went over a few other discharge procedures. 

It was so exciting to think that our little guy was finally on his way home. 

At 4pm, I went in for the feeding.

Hunter latched right away and got 24ml form the first side. A new record for he and I. I burped him and switched him to the other side. After a few minutes of trying to latch he finally did and right away his oxygen level dropped. The nurse came in to watch and after a few minutes of lower oxygen levels while he was trying to eat he had two BRADY'S back to back. (A Brady is when a baby's heartbeat drops below 80). The nurse suggested we stop feeding and give him a break. By the time we got to feeding him the bottle we had already been at it for an hour and little Hunter was so exhausted. 

The nurse explained that since my milk is coming in a lot more, Hunter may be struggling with the "suck, breathe, swallow" and that is why his oxygen levels and heart beat dropped. He was probably working to hard and going faster then he could keep up with.

I left the hospital feeling a little helpless. How am I supposed to feed my baby if it's too much for his little body? I knew right away this would be reported to the doctor and knew he would be staying longer.

At  7pm this evening we got the call that little Hunter needed a twelve hour break from breast feeding. 

The only responsibility I have as a mother and it's yanked from me for the next half day!

(my helplessness levels jumped through the roof at this point)

Tomorrow morning we will try to start breast feeding again and his levels will be managed. If he can handle everything he could be discharged Sunday but we aren't getting our hopes up this time. 

The nurse explained that the doctor wanted to see how he does and see if he just needed to slow down a bit.

If he still has problems with oxygen levels tomorrow we may still be discharged on Sunday but little Hunter would be on an oxygen tank. Blah.

I really have tried to stay positive and I really am grateful for the nurses who look over him and watch for the signs that he still needs some help, but I am so ready for my baby to come home! 

I guess we have to stay strong and realize it is better he gets taken care of now then bring him home and then we have a problem. That would break my heart to have to rush him back to the hospital or call 911. I would be devastated. 

Keep the prayers coming everyone. They continue to work and soon enough the prayers will bring him home! 

 Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.