FIVE YEARS ago today my younger brother passed away.
It still seems a little unreal to say, type or even THINK those thoughts.
How can it have already been five years since the last time I saw that handsome smile of yours?
Or heard that belly laugh, your funny jokes or one of your serious thoughts?
I miss you so much.
I spent the better half of my morning crying.
I had to turn off the radio because the tears kept flooding and my little kids didn't understand why mommy was so sad.
I wish they could understand.
I wish they could know and miss you to.
We went up the canyon, like we do every year, to the place we spent one of our last days with you, to write you letters and then sent them up to heaven.
The kids loved it.
It made me happy.
This isn't the post I had planned to share, however, I've been working on a project and it just didn't come together in time (to my approving) to post today.
So instead I'll honor, remember and miss you by sharing the photos from our afternoon in the canyon on your day.
Your angel day.
I love you Hunter Blackstone Goold.
Looks like Mom, Dad & Kenna sent ya some balloons to!
I was startled awake this morning by a laughing dinosaur who had previously been viciously hunting me down.
The truth... That seemed fitting for today.
I was later woken again by my sweet two year old touching my face saying
"Mommy wake up. Hi Mommy"
The truth... That also seemed fitting for today.
We skipped swim lessons because I had a mild panic attack as soon as I got my Hunter in his swim trunks.
The truth.... Well obviously, that makes sense today.
I spent the day feeling sad, missing you and just wanting to crawl back in bed.
But, I couldn't because I had two small children clinging on me at all moments of the day wanting to be held.
The truth... I am so grateful for those tiny spirits who I know came from heaven where they got to be with you a short while before starting their earthly journeys.
So, I guess I didn't mind the extra cuddles today.
We spent the evening with Aubs, Dan and J. Grandma & Whitney came along to.
We ate pizza, laughed and the boys had a water balloon fight.
The truth... It also seemed fitting for today.
The Truth.
I miss you terribly.
I miss your infectious laugh.
I miss your charming smile.
I miss your caring, loving and tender personality.
I miss your "big" little brother protecting instincts.
The Truth.
I can't believe FOUR years have come and gone in the blink of an eye.
It feels like just yesterday we were down playing baseball up the canyon as a family.
The Truth.
Sometimes I feel angry you aren't here.
Sometimes I cry when I say your name.
I cry when I think about a memory I have with you or here a song on the radio that reminds me of you.
The Truth.
I worry everyday that something bad will happen.
I think BAD things before GOOD things and panic about nothing.
I can't fall asleep without checking my children to make sure they are breathing.
My heart skips a little when I get a call AND a voicemail from Dad.
The Truth.
I will never be the same.
I will anxiously wait for the day we meet again in heaven.
The Truth.
I am grateful for the knowledge that families can be together forever.
I am grateful that I KNOW without a doubt that I will see you again.
I know you miss us to.
I know that you watching over Mom, Dad, Me, Aubrey, McKenna & Haley.
I know you are happy.
I know you aren't in any pain.
I know you are walking with The Savior and serving him well on the other side.
Save us a spot in line baby brother.
To The Moon & Back & Once Around The Stars.
PS.
I am so thankful to everyone who sent their thoughts to me and my family today.
It's always a hard day, today and his birthday, and we feel so blessed to have so many friends and family who love us and who love Hunter.
I mean... How awesome is my Visiting Teacher?
Thanks Jessica.
And thanks to the ADORABLE Conover Family (this incredible family I met through work).
They brought over the yummiest cupcakes and sweet Miranda made these beautiful origami pieces for the kids and I.
Definitely brought a smile to our faces!
_______
If you are new to FordOlogy you can read more about my Brother Hunter
here, here, & here.
